Americans are fanatical about football and Mainers are no exception – I see that pointy-chinned patriot everywhere I go. On Monday, I passed a truck navigating the snow-covered roads with the New England Patriots logo splashed across the front of its plow.
While I appreciate the enthusiasm that drives people to display their favorite team’s flag outside of their home, I can’t wrap my head around the rules of the game no matter how hard I try. Baseball, hockey and soccer largely make sense to me. Basketball is borderline, but football baffles me.
Football games under the lights were popular Friday night pastimes during high school, but my friends and I rarely watched the game and really only paid attention when the rest of the crowd started going crazy. Most of the time we walked around the track that surrounded the field, sharing silly gossip.
Because I want to understand the rules of the game, I am enlisting my more patient friends to teach me Football 101.
After last weekend’s AFC Division Championship game (I needed help with that one), I know the Patriots are 17-0. I also know Tom Brady is considered a “football god,” but that’s about the extent of my knowledge. One of my friends has made several attempts to teach me about the game, but only bits of her lessons stay with me at a time.
“Would you like a diagram?” she rightly asked during a recent attempt.
Looking at a diagram with x’s and o’s, however, probably wouldn’t help me understand the sport.
During the game, I learned about the computer generated first down line – a concept that actually started to make sense to me. I realized it was a good thing when the Patriots advanced past the yellow line, but not so good when the other team did the same thing. With that useful bit of knowledge, I was able to cheer in confidence instead of joining in after others had opened their mouths first.
I also learned it’s quite possible Bill Belichick has closets full of sweatshirts with cut-off sleeves. I’m sure it won’t be long before he starts marketing his own line of sweatshirts cut off at the elbows.
As my friend feeds me more football facts, however, my mind starts to wander, incapable of understanding her words. How is it the Patriots’ white pants aren’t covered in grass stains, I wonder? Is it a product I could buy to repel stains and prevent those coffee spots I always seem to get as I head out the door in the morning?  
When someone mentions Brady, I wonder if engagement rumors about him and Gisele Bundchen –  the world’s wealthiest supermodel – are true. Then my mind naturally wanders to Brazil, Bundchen’s native country and a place I have always wanted to visit. I wonder, how expensive are plane tickets right now?
Perhaps watching football has revealed some long dormant attention deficit disorder. When I do pay attention, I like to listen to the sportscasters wax poetic about the game. If you boil down most of their comments, they sound like this: “The team that racks up the most points will win the game.”
I don’t know much about football, but I know that much.
– Amanda Estes